Dick Logan

Archive for April, 2008

Senator Arlen Specter says he has been diagnosed with an acute form of the zombie virus and expects to remain in office.  “I feel as healthy as I’ve ever been”, says the senator, gnawing on the brain of a Kentucky journalist.  “A few brains here and there aren’t going to hurt me, and I feel the same as I’ve ever been”.

Senator Specter is looking into legislation that would make legal the purchase of brains from freshly dead corpses in hospitals and accidents.

Let’s face it, zombie attacks are not very fun. They are even worse if the undead come knocking at your door and you find yourself stuck with a lousy beer. In order to prevent this unfortunate occurrence from happening, we’ve come up with a list of the top ten beers to drink during a zombie attack. So delicious, they’re to un-die for.

10. Resurrection

During the fermentation of the first batch of this beer, the yeast “died” and was “resurrected,” in much the same way people outside the house are dying and becoming resurrected, only in a much more literal way and without the quotation marks. Made with five types of barley malt and plenty of sugar, the beer is quite strong and flavorful, without being too sweet.

9. Black Death

The Black Death was not a happy time for mankind, but at least back then they didn’t have to worry about fighting zombies. Viewed from this perspective, the Black Death beer can bring back memories of the good ol’ days, before people rose from the dead and hungered for brains. Because of this, Black Death beer makes a great addition to your post-apocalyptic alcohol collection.

8. Dead Guy Ale

It was originally created to celebrate the Mayan Day of the Dead on November 1, so it’s comforting to know the beer has already proved itself worthy on the battlefield. According to their website, Dead Guy Ale is a German-style Maibock made with a malty aroma, rich hearty flavor and a well balanced finish.

7. Gravedigger

I can’t imagine why you would be digging a grave during a zombie siege, unless it was your own. If that’s the case, it’s perfect for giving that extra buzz while you dig a deep hole to rest your cranially damaged head into, so as not to come back a zombie yourself. Brewed by DogFish.

6. Immort Ale

This beer is only sold in the spring, so if you would like to have it on hand during a zombie attack at any other time of the year, please plan accordingly. Pours a little reddish hue in color.

5. La Guillotine

Although it is not likely that you would have the physical contraption, you can still at least have the beer. It tastes so good that, when reinforcing window planks, some zombies seem more interested in grabbing it out of my hand than my hand itself. They seem to lose their head over it.

4. Orkney Skullsplitter

Named after Thorfin Hausakliuuf, the seventh earl of Orkney, who single handedly protected the town of Orkney against the first recorded zombie attack of 1769. It is important to note however that the supposed zombies were Frenchman and his strength came from the “spirits” he drank.

3. Trompe La Mort (Mistaken Death)

Mistaken Death can take on a variety of meanings. The mistaken assumption that a zombie is dead and will not rise is the most dangerous. To check if a corpse is truly dead or not, sprinkle a little bit of this beer on the lips. If the body starts licking its lips, be prepared to bolt.

2. La Fin Du Monde (The End of the World)

We can all agree that sometimes during a zombie attack we can become discouraged, feeling almost as if it were the end of the world. So, what better way to accept the end of the world than by drinking the beer of the same name? La Fin Du Monde is a delicious Belgian-style triple fermentation golden ale, which will leave you feeling fine all the way to the end.

1. Ale Of The Living Dead

What do you do when the last of the barricades have been broken and legless corpses are crawling at your feet? Bust out a bottle of Ale of the Living Dead, of course! This beer was brewed for the “Night of the Living Dead” / 7^th birthday party bash at the Magic Hat brewery. It’s made with 80% domestic pale malt, 15% carared malt, 5% melanoidin malt, and garlic to say the least. It’s definitely a beer you’ll keep coming back for, even after you’re dead.

Improve your beer pong play. Here are some tips to get you on the way to the win.

1. Practice makes perfect

It’s true what they say, practice makes perfect. Play beer pong whenever you can, and often. You can even practice beer pong without any beer, just water. That’s perfect for the times you have a craving to play before having to head off to work.

2. Aim for one cup

You will find your accuracy increase dramatically once you stop shooting all whilly nilly and just focus on one cup. When you aim for one cup, you’re no longer playing a game of chance but a game of skill.

3. Get a good arc

The nicer the arc, the better chances of you making it in the cup. Straight sniping is not recommended, as the chance of getting it in the cup you were aiming for is very low along with the unlikely chance of making other cups around it by accident.

4. Don’t get distracted

Remember, you’re playing beer pong to win. You can have fun, but don’t get distracted. This also means don’t try to focus too much on the other team’s distractions and horse play.

5. Know when to give up the bounce

If you’ve already bounced once, the chance of the next bounce being blocked is considerably greater. Know when to stop throwing the bounce, especially if you and your partner sucks at it.

These should definitely put you on your way for improving your game.

Rule: Drink whenever a dinosaur roars

This Jurassic Park drinking game can be a lot of fun and a challenge to you beer carnosaurs, ahem, I mean ‘connoisseurs’ out there. There may be times in the movie where a roar is not heard for quite a while, then a roaring storm erupts. The game begins early too, the opening scene with the raptor being transported into its holding cage will get you started off with a good buzz that will last you right through the slower parts in the beginning.

Try to keep up and make it through the whole movie drinking without becoming extinct!